No more beating around the bush: No, I'm not OK.

There are so many euphemisms we use when describing depression.

I'm caught in the storm.
Fighting the black dog.
Stuck in a black hole.
In a bad spot.
Lost in a fog.
Not coping.
Being dragged underwater.
Swimming upstream.

There are many more.

Depression is like being in an emotionally (and sometimes physically) abusive relationship with your own thoughts.

It is well known that abuse is never solved through silence. These figures of speech don't really help.

So, no more beating around the bush.

I AM DEPRESSED. Not just feeling blue, but suffering from depression.

After being in recovery for so long, I am depressed again.

There, I said it. In plain English.

I am not well.

At all...

...and to be honest I am scared out of my wits, because it has hit me without warning, totally unexpectedly, and especially because I'm doing everything right compared to six years ago.

I am actively engaged in my childrens' lives, I have wonderful social support networks, I am studying to improve myself and improve my future prospects, I work so I feel useful, I have control over my own finances and am doing extremely well for someone living on centrelink payments, I am looking after my house, I have clean dishes AND clean clothes, I exercise every week for my physical health, I do dancing purely for myself, I'm aware of what is going on in the world around me, and I have only healthy nurturing relationships.

But still, here I am.

Monday was an exhausting, but empowering day:

On Monday I admitted there was a problem.

I've been amazed at the response since. It's so overwhelming the support I've received, and from people I didn't expect, too. People have also said how I seem so calm and in control, and doing so well. I'm the one that has it all sorted.

Inside, though, I feel like that same person six years ago. Sad, empty, pathetic, hopeless, unworthy.

Except that this time I am absolutely determined NOT to let it ruin my life, I WILL NOT let depression destroy my life like it did last time.

Partly because I've fought it before, and partly because I have so much more to lose this time.

Yes, to say I'm scared is an understatement.

I share this without hope or expectation from anyone who reads it. I simply want you to know, because silence never helped anyone. Speaking out is the only way.