The illusion of "Me Time"

When I was unwell, with post natal and ante natal depression, I did not exist.

I have often described it as living like an empty carcass, that's as close as a description I can get for something that is totally undescribable, and impossible to truly understand, even for those who have a lived experience.

In my recovery one of the things that became really important was "Me Time": being able to do something just for me, to force me to treat myself as important and valuable, and to be more than 'just a mum'. To begin with, simply having a shower in peace was regarded as Me Time. Heck, going to the toilet without interruption was a luxury! Gradually it evolved. Things like having coffee with friends, a night out at karaoke, and getting a haircut and a manicure became my Me Time staples.

Then a funny thing happened.

At some point, and I can't pinpoint when, I stopped reffering to myself as Mummy when talking to the kids. It wasn't 'no, you can't have that, it's mummy's' anymore, it became 'no, you can't have that it's mine.' My identity started to change, or rather, how I defined my identity started to change. I was no longer 'just a mum'.

I started studying, and my opinions became important and valuable, not just to two little boys, but a whole class full of women, including the teacher. And when your opinions are valuable, then so are you.

Eventually I started working as an Aged Care Nurse, and I always felt valuable, because I knew the difference quality care could make to a person's emotional wellbeing and general quality of life. I was making a positive change in the residents' lives. Even if just for a split second: A smile, a moment taken to listen, for them to be heard. By making them feel valuable I made myself valuable.

I have continued my studies and am committed to building a career out of helping those who are disenfranchised, disempowered, who feel powerless, unimportant, like they have never been listened to, and have no voice. And by helping people to become self empowered to see that they are important, that they are valued, that helps me feel valued.

That is a long way away from "Me Time", and I still do stuff just for me, but in terms of doing things for me, to make myself feel important, I've managed to incorporate those into my whole life. My whole life is Me Time, and while it is certainly nice to get a haircut, I dont need those things to feel special. My compassion for others and my will to help others is what makes me flourish as "Me".

My soapbox

Last night I got the opportunity to be an audience member on SBS's Insight. The subject was street aggression and alcohol fueled violence. It was an extremely interesting and thought provoking experience. There were some truly heartbreaking stories: the young man acting the peacemaker now plagued by anxiety and still battling with memory problems, the father whos 20 year old son was left with a brain injury and unable to do anything for himself.

Unfortunately I didn't get a chance to voice my opinion.  I have some pretty strong opinions on the matter, and I was looking forward to some healthy debate, but there wasn't much focus on what the solutions are, so I couldn't quite get an 'in'. If I did get to have my say, this is what I would have wanted to express.

Without a doubt, this is a societal problem. I am the mother of two boys. I have friends with boys in their late teens and I know the fear of them becoming a victim of violence is almost all consuming. My own boys are only seven and nine, but we need to start taking steps now in order to change the attitudes so that in ten years time, when my own kids are of age, I can sleep a little easier at night.

I do not deny that we must throw the book at the perpetrators, but I do not believe that putting a police coloured bandaid on the problem will go far enough to prevent these assaults from happening. More police on the ground could help too, but in the heat of the moment, or fuelled on a belly full of 'piss', rational thinking doesn't come into it, and irrational people are less able to weigh up the consequences of their actions. They know it's wrong, but they don't care.

It's important to remember also, that when someone commits these assaults, it's not just that moment that shapes their actions. There have been 18 years of life experiences and interactions leading up to that point. Those experiences are pivotal to whether they end up in that moment at all.

We could place all responsibility on the parents, and I certainly do my best to instil the right values into my own boys, but there are far more influences in the first 18 years of a child's life. Teachers, community, extended family, peers, sporting coaches, other role models, video games, and of course, the media. For example, I believe sporting stars have a lot to answer for. They bash girlfriends, stick glasses in peoples' faces, sexually assault women, get briefly chastised by the media, then are suddenly back in the good books, given airtime, spots on primetime TV, or re-signed to another team, seemingly all forgiven. What kind of message does all this give?

An investment in quality youth programs, maybe as an adjunct to the current anti bullying programs, or community education programs such as Real Heroes Walk Away. There are suggestions to get in early and teach kids non violent methods of negotiation. Certainly, I'm not impressed by machismo, and find it far more attractive for a man to resolve conflicts without resorting to violence.

Then ongoing effective drug and alcohol education and mental health education such as R U OK Day which has packages designed just for schools, as promoted by 2012 ambassador Wendell Sailor. And programs that engage young people in the community, programs that help them feel empowered, valuable, important, so we reduce the need for them to prove themselves by punching f*ck out of someone.

Of course, the cycnic (realist?) in me knows that a government spending millions of dollars on that police coloured band-aid wins votes, but spending millions of dollars on youth workers and social workers won't, so guess which one the policy makers of the day will pick?