The illusion of "Me Time"

When I was unwell, with post natal and ante natal depression, I did not exist.

I have often described it as living like an empty carcass, that's as close as a description I can get for something that is totally undescribable, and impossible to truly understand, even for those who have a lived experience.

In my recovery one of the things that became really important was "Me Time": being able to do something just for me, to force me to treat myself as important and valuable, and to be more than 'just a mum'. To begin with, simply having a shower in peace was regarded as Me Time. Heck, going to the toilet without interruption was a luxury! Gradually it evolved. Things like having coffee with friends, a night out at karaoke, and getting a haircut and a manicure became my Me Time staples.

Then a funny thing happened.

At some point, and I can't pinpoint when, I stopped reffering to myself as Mummy when talking to the kids. It wasn't 'no, you can't have that, it's mummy's' anymore, it became 'no, you can't have that it's mine.' My identity started to change, or rather, how I defined my identity started to change. I was no longer 'just a mum'.

I started studying, and my opinions became important and valuable, not just to two little boys, but a whole class full of women, including the teacher. And when your opinions are valuable, then so are you.

Eventually I started working as an Aged Care Nurse, and I always felt valuable, because I knew the difference quality care could make to a person's emotional wellbeing and general quality of life. I was making a positive change in the residents' lives. Even if just for a split second: A smile, a moment taken to listen, for them to be heard. By making them feel valuable I made myself valuable.

I have continued my studies and am committed to building a career out of helping those who are disenfranchised, disempowered, who feel powerless, unimportant, like they have never been listened to, and have no voice. And by helping people to become self empowered to see that they are important, that they are valued, that helps me feel valued.

That is a long way away from "Me Time", and I still do stuff just for me, but in terms of doing things for me, to make myself feel important, I've managed to incorporate those into my whole life. My whole life is Me Time, and while it is certainly nice to get a haircut, I dont need those things to feel special. My compassion for others and my will to help others is what makes me flourish as "Me".